She/her/Me

Motionless

In the corner of the room

On the floor

She has her knees to her chest

All alone

She still tries to keep as silent as possible

Because that’s what she’s used to

Holding it in, suppressing it

Pretending it’s not there.

 

Her eyes,

they dart ever so subtly in her effort to go unnoticed

Her breathing faint,

afraid for the monsters she felt she might conjure by breathing in anymore deeply

Her hands,

shaking, cold, twitching

Her body,

shivering, merely existing, barely alive.

 

She fights the urge to scream,

the vivid imagery of her destruction,

she conceals in the void of her.

She squeezes her eyes shut,

so damn tightly her vision blurs when she reopens them.

She grits her teeth,

as hard as she can with the little strength she has left.

 

She’s silent,

on the outside.

On the inside?

She’s screeching,

she’s clawing,

she’s burning,

she’s going absolutely insane.

She is suffering a disease that would contaminate the world if she spoke of it.

She felt so.

 

She,

is all alone.

With no one and nothing but herself.

In that void, she cries.

 

People walk past her,

but they don’t see her there.

All smiles, all laughter,

the last thing they see; her.

“‘I’m a ghost”,

she’s convinced.

Scars

Scars, I’ve noticed, are ugly on the outside, only to be way uglier on the inside. I’ve got a fair number of scars on my body. Self and non self inflicted. I’ve got loads of scars on my limbs, new and old; from horse-riding, parkour, or simply carelessness. However, all of them do not add up to number of scars I have on my heart, my soul. If I may be as dramatic as possible, I would say I have an infinite number of scars on the inside.

I like to think that I’ve been through more than my average peers would have been through by now, but I may be wrong. The amount of pain I’ve experienced over the mere course of the recent 6 months have changed me. I acknowledge that. I wish that they had changed me simply for the best, but I also realised that it had also, in ways, changed me for the very worst.

I’m writing this to express and record my current emotional state and wellbeing. When I say that the pain had shaped me also for the worst, I mean that, all the pain, it seems, has moulded me into a very sharp, heavy object. I’m more capable of hurting myself and the people around me now. I’ve become, in a sense, dangerous. Note that none of this is physical, at least not to a damaging extent, this is mostly, purely, emotional, and mental.

One of the main emotions I feel, along with happiness, is rage. I have enough rage to call myself Hell instead of Claudia. I have enough rage to wipe out an entire army if my physical would permit me. I have enough rage to maybe even wipe myself out if my mental breaks. I have a rage that consumes me, and is probably crippling me slowly.

When the pain stopped coming a few months ago, I thought I was on my way to recovery. I was wrong. The pain had stopped coming, but there was already so much pain that had already made it’s way inside of me. Up till today, that pain has not left. I think, I’ve simply gotten better at accepting it, and even suppressing it, making it seem like it’s not there, but it is. This pain, I feel, is hindering me from the recovery I need. Contrary to the fact that I’ve been told that it all gets better in time, I’ve noticed that as time passed, the more the memories played back. The more I get reminded of things I wished so much to forget. The more the rage is fired.

I guess this brings my reflection to a close.

Life Update

Well, this is really overdue.

I’ve been so busy lately and regretfully, I have not only neglected this blog, I’ve also been neglecting my dear self. Sigh.

I don’t think I’ve ever been this tired in my life. Funny how the older we get, the more tired we are. Actually that isn’t funny. That’s plain reality.

Oh well.

I’m going to Singapore next week for my first Lion City Gathering ever. I expect to see all the pros there and me being a potatoball next to them. Nevertheless, I think it’s gonna be awesome. I’m really excited. And lamely, I have to admit it will be my first visit to Singapore as well. Yup. Claudia has never been to Singapore before. I’ve never had a reason to so, yeah.

I’ll be travelling with my TOFU gang once again. I’ve never travelled this often before TOFU. TOFU seems to have ignited the travel bug in me.

We’re going to KL for a day prior to our flight to SIN. I have NOT packed. Oh god. I have not packed. I’m still absolutely unsure of how to pack. Oh well, time to create a packing list for myself then.

That’s all for now I guess. I’m in class right now and it’s freezing so it really sucks to type.

my week

so my week has been tiring but somewhat productive. I’m into Week 2 of this semester and I’m proud to say that I have not skipped any classes :’) I even went for EXTRA classes. Wow. I’m a changed person. Hahahahaha.


But seriously though, I have been told that I’ve ‘come a long way’ and I do feel that I’ve really changed for the better as well. It’s hard to reflect on my progress without feeling the pains of the past. After all, it is, in a sense, looking back. I do not have complete closure from the emotional trauma that I have experienced over the course of previous months but I am, today, very much better than I was before.

Despite my mental blocks and struggles, I notice that it’s not as hard as it used to be for me to be positive and determined. I’ve found that lately, I push myself harder and I achieve more than I used to before because of it. A really good example would be the pres I just did in my recent posts on Instagram and Facebook. That particular spot in Gurney, gives me the creeps. Not in a ghostly way but in a scary way. Get what I mean? Maybe not but, I’ll continue. I have irrational fears. That’s just something about me. I’m not sure if you can relate but, irrational fears. I stood on the tiny height, peering at my landing spot before me, hesitating to make that small pre, just because of the height below me and the narrow wall.

Ed was like,

You stood on the edge of the 38th floor, and you’re telling me you can’t pre this shit!?

I was like,

I’M SCARED!

See where the irrational fear comes in?

But I did in anyway after a few cranes. I found that what motivated me and helped me fear less was when someone was doing it WITH me. I feared less when I was doing it in sync with someone else. Probably just me but, thanks Buddy. Hahahahaha.

Pre is short for precision jump btw.


Other than my silly pre, I’ve been starting on my front flip which STILL sucks. But apparently my peers took at least a year to perfect it. So who am I to complain about my progress… I’m frustrated that I can’t land myself on my feet and that I can’t jump high enough. Blergh. This is turning into a pointless fitness rant so if you’re bored, bye bye.


But yeah my week has been tiring. I’ve been trying to correct my sleep schedule but haven’t really been making progress with that. Heh. Despite that it was tiring, I’ve had a pretty okay week. 🙂 Ups and downs but I’ve learned to deal with those and not take them so hard on myself.

So here’s to more and more progress and happiness. ❤

tired

have you ever felt so tired that you just wanna cry?

i currently feel so tired that my brain is letting most of it’s guards down and i’m starting to overthink. my mind is starting to walk down the paths it shouldn’t. it’s starting to think more and more about the things that i avoid during the day, during the moments i’m awake. it’s pulling me really far into the dark.

i see him. i see you. standing in front of me with your arm outstretched. you expect me to take you hand and i do. i take that hand with trust, as i always do. i close my eyes and i remember, my birthday. The way you laced the necklace around my neck, a surprise from behind. A pleasant surprise. The way you looked at me in the car on that breezy July night as we gazed at the green light out in the sea, like the one in Gatsby. Every moment you held me, so gently. All those, rush toward me now. As my walls fall down.

By allowing myself to indulge in these my memories, I also allow myself to hurt. For I know that no matter how precious these memories, they are no more. They have become, from my world, mere pictures I put away so I never have to see anymore, they are the stabs in my chest every time I walk past the places we used to go, they are you, the way you’re absent in my life.

Things have not been the way they used to be for a very long time. I was in pure denial. Yet, I could deny everything but my love for you. Until this day, I swear, I love you. But, I’m sorry that I am no longer the same. I’m cautious. I’m on edge. I no longer trust. I find it hard to believe even in the most mundane kindness. I’m broken. But I believe I can recover in time.

I admit that I have temporarily lost ability to care for anyone and at times, myself included. But I guess it’s just one of the side effects of a broken heart. I still do not feel that I will be able to love anyone as greatly as I loved you. Because, for once in my life, I put my all into a human and they let me down. I cannot blame you for much. I’m aware that love is a choice. You were my choice. I guess it didn’t mean much to you but, it was everything to me.

tonight, i allow myself to remember that choice.

I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry and that everything takes time. I may not have stopped loving you yet and maybe I never will. But this I know, there are just lines I cannot cross, in love for me. I know that I deserve the great love I gave to you. You took my love and hurled it to the ground. This is me, picking it up, dusting it off and giving it back to me.

Maybe not today. But someday, I will be, more than okay. But for tonight, I will cry if I have to.

 

So I let go of that outstretched arm, in fear that I would once again suffer it’s blows. And turn around, walk away. I miss you. I miss him. But there is no longer reason for me to stay.

invisible tears stream down my face. or at least that’s how i imagine it happening. but no. i’ve cried so much that i have no more tears. so i just drown in all the metaphorical tears in my mind.

i’m drowning and i’m floating. i float when i think of all the beautiful times. him beside me, looking right into my eyes, telling me i’m beautiful, telling me that i’m really something else. all those moments are precious to me. and it brings me both great joy and pain to think of them. it makes me smile at first. it makes me feel loved. but just a second later, i realise that it’s over and that it’s all gone. and thats where the pain starts. that’s where i become so heavy that i drown. when i drown, i don’t fight. i just allow myself to sink into nothingness. i embrace the meaninglessness of life at that moment and wish to die more quickly.

maybe all of this isn’t real. maybe i’m not here writing this. maybe this is all in my mind. maybe i’m already locked up in an asylum somewhere. maybe. maybe everything but the fact that i’m already dead. because being dead, theres no way it could feel as uncomfortable as this.

 

happiness

I’ve been on a journey. On this journey, I’m mostly alone, I make sure I am. Because I’ve learned that I will only be truly happy if I make myself happy. So I’ve been taking chances, overcoming my fears, setting boundaries, and treating myself the way I’d treat someone I love.

I’m just going to document a few things that I’ve done to make myself really really happy recently.

I started going to the gym and to training. That made me happy because I was doing crazy stuff. I fell off a ledge while trying to climb a wall, broke my perfectly bedazzled nail, but I laughed, even as I hit the ground, I laughed and laughed. Oh and on the same day, I ate dessert for dinner! I have never done that in my life! My life has always been so, straight. I finally broke the rules after realising that I’m an adult and I can do whatever makes me happy.

I also had a random craving for ice cream at 10PM one night. Usually I would’ve suppressed it but that night, I broke free again! I threw my pyjamas to the side and pulled on the nearest clothes I could find and drove off to Tesco. With my horribly uncombed hair, I went to the ice cream section and decided on a huge tub of strawberry froyo! All it took was a tap of my card and viola! My very own tub of froyo!! I went home at 11PM and ate half of it. MWAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAHAH!

One of the happiest things was yesterday. I went to Narrow Marrow, like I would every week without fail now. I had my usual, cake and a strawberry smoothie. My time spent there was lovely and the company even more. After I was done, I did something I had ALWAYS wanted to do; walk around Georgetown at night! My feet took my to one of my new favourite places; the Tan Jetty. And there, I sat and felt for the first time in forever, child-like wonder! So it was like this, there were lights being reflected by the waves. The waves had turned the lights into snake-like figures, dancing. It was something so mundane and simple yet, I felt wonder, I felt happiness, I laughed! I laughed so hard and to be honest, it was such a beautiful laugh. My laugh was so beautiful, pure and genuine. I loved myself for it, I will forever love myself for it.

I have decided that I live for moments like those now. The moments where I, a 20-year old girl in a broken world, who has been repeatedly broken and shattered, feels the wonder we all used to feel as children. Nothing and nobody can take away this newfound love I have for myself and for life. I no longer want to end my life. Honestly, at one point, there was nothing I had wanted more than that. But I’ve fought it, I’ve made it, I’ve turned it all around. And all it took where better choices, wiser decisions and a whole lot more of love for me and the people around who genuinely cared.

Thanks me, and thank you to all my friends who’ve seen me through the worst part of my life and who are still watching me grow and transform. I can’t wait to look back on this post when I’ve achieved the ability to feel child-like wonder every damn day! It’s gonna be a long road, but me and I will get there. I’ve found a new love for being alone. And this might just become my new comfort zone. Who knows.