have you ever felt so tired that you just wanna cry?
i currently feel so tired that my brain is letting most of it’s guards down and i’m starting to overthink. my mind is starting to walk down the paths it shouldn’t. it’s starting to think more and more about the things that i avoid during the day, during the moments i’m awake. it’s pulling me really far into the dark.
i see him. i see you. standing in front of me with your arm outstretched. you expect me to take you hand and i do. i take that hand with trust, as i always do. i close my eyes and i remember, my birthday. The way you laced the necklace around my neck, a surprise from behind. A pleasant surprise. The way you looked at me in the car on that breezy July night as we gazed at the green light out in the sea, like the one in Gatsby. Every moment you held me, so gently. All those, rush toward me now. As my walls fall down.
By allowing myself to indulge in these my memories, I also allow myself to hurt. For I know that no matter how precious these memories, they are no more. They have become, from my world, mere pictures I put away so I never have to see anymore, they are the stabs in my chest every time I walk past the places we used to go, they are you, the way you’re absent in my life.
Things have not been the way they used to be for a very long time. I was in pure denial. Yet, I could deny everything but my love for you. Until this day, I swear, I love you. But, I’m sorry that I am no longer the same. I’m cautious. I’m on edge. I no longer trust. I find it hard to believe even in the most mundane kindness. I’m broken. But I believe I can recover in time.
I admit that I have temporarily lost ability to care for anyone and at times, myself included. But I guess it’s just one of the side effects of a broken heart. I still do not feel that I will be able to love anyone as greatly as I loved you. Because, for once in my life, I put my all into a human and they let me down. I cannot blame you for much. I’m aware that love is a choice. You were my choice. I guess it didn’t mean much to you but, it was everything to me.
tonight, i allow myself to remember that choice.
I’ve learned that it’s okay to cry and that everything takes time. I may not have stopped loving you yet and maybe I never will. But this I know, there are just lines I cannot cross, in love for me. I know that I deserve the great love I gave to you. You took my love and hurled it to the ground. This is me, picking it up, dusting it off and giving it back to me.
Maybe not today. But someday, I will be, more than okay. But for tonight, I will cry if I have to.
So I let go of that outstretched arm, in fear that I would once again suffer it’s blows. And turn around, walk away. I miss you. I miss him. But there is no longer reason for me to stay.